Grumpier Middle Aged Politicians: the Continuing Saga of Al Franken vs. Norm Coleman.
MINNEAPOLIS (Herald de Paris) – Hello again sports fans, back here for another installment of the Coleman and Franken saga. It is now February 24, 2009 by my watch and we still have not a senator from Minnesota.
You may wonder, those of you who are fortunate enough to have Senators seated in your respective states, why this is so? Why is it that the seat from Minnesota remains conspicuously empty on the Senate floor? We here in our great midwest wonder this also … couldn’t we, for instance, find an out of work wrestler to act as an interim Senator? Couldn’t we just flip a coin? Yes it’s true, a host of lawyers would be out a hefty fee and people like me would have nothing to write about, but gosh darnit we Minnesotan’s deserve to have a Senator!
Minnesotans are very patient and stoic by nature, we don’t complain about a whole lot, probably because there’s so much to complain about, if we ever got started we’d work ourselves up to a stroke inducing frenzy. So when people ask us, “What’s the weather like up there?” We say things like, “Oh gosh its nippy don’tcha know,” instead of saying, “Holy &%#*ing crap it’s colder than $*#@!” When people ask us, “How were the mosquitoes on the camping trip?” We tell them, “Not too bad,” instead of relating how one of them tried to fly away with our Pomeranian. When people ask us what we think of the Johan Santana trade we say, “You know, we got 4 solid prospects back,” instead of admitting we were absolutely hosed.
So when people ask us how that Senate race is going … well we tell them … we are still counting … yes folks Count Chocula and the Count Von Count from sesame street could have performed a faster recount with a calculator and a bag of type -0 lifted from the blood bank. As of this date, Norm Coleman’s attorneys are still trying to get 4,700 absentee ballots “revived”.
Early in January we were teased when the canvassing board proclaimed that Franken had won by a final tally of 225 votes, but this was not the end my good readers – this simply opened the floodgates for something called an “election contest” where under Minnesota law Norm Coleman’s battalion of lawyers can challenge the final result. So we will eventually need a final final result, unless of course there is another challenge, perhaps this time by Al Franken … which would of course necessitate a final final final result. There is also the very real possibility that in the absence of gainful employment Norm Coleman may simply continue to appeal these findings until the contested Senate term is over and he can simply run again. The trial contesting these results is now in it’s fifth week and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel folks.
So, the snow begins to melt, pitchers and catchers have already reported for spring training, and still we have no senator from Minnesota. They appear to be locked in an endless struggle like that Star Trek episode where the two half-black half-white guys are constantly trying to kill each other because they are black and white on opposite sides of their bodies … with Spock uttering the most apt line, ”To expect sense from two mentalities of such extreme viewpoints is not logical.”
If only we could enlist a band of non-partisan Vulcans to perform this recount.
Sadly the Vulcans are unwilling to impart with any of their logic on our account. We simply have to find a way out of this mess ourselves, and gosh darnit we will! Because we’re good enough, we’re smart enough, and doggone It, people like us! So drop the fig newtons and get out of bed Minnesotans! Write your congressmen and congresswomen before we lose them too and let them know this cannot drag on any further.
The specter of this senate recount cutting into my fantasy baseball preparation time is more dissagreeable to me than contraception to the Octomom. We simply cannot let that happen. Spring is for cleaning and picking up a winter’s worth of dog poop from your yard and for Baseball. Spring is NOT for election tallies.
The Saint Paul Saints know this, our excellent Northern League St. Paul baseball team back in November scheduled a tribute to this recount by designing a memento of this remarkable race. The Saints intend to give away a reversible figurine (no joke people) with the image of Norm Coleman on one side and Al Franken on the other — the figure (I absolutely MUST have one of these things) will be dressed like Count Dracula.
You can’t make this stuff up.
My thinking is when the promotion was first dreamt up by the Saints’ nonpareil PR man Scott Riley, they presumed the race would be decided by opening day. It is now almost March and this figure is becoming creepier with every passing week. I can see myself staring at it and flipping it constantly, wondering, “Is it Coleman? No its Franken! No wait, maybe its Coleman!! AAAARRRGHGHGH!”
MORE READING: “GRUMPY MIDDLE-AGED POLITICIANS”, the original installment of this unplanned serial.
Who knew.
#congress
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